Journals14
Newest
Hi honey I am home!
2 min read
Well it's been a long time since I was graced by this place and you beautiful amazing people. So long ago I can't remember how long ago!
Life's been a tad cruel over the last year. I have loved and lost some amazing people including my dear mummy.
It's a struggle but then each one of us struggles everyday in many different ways. Your struggle is yours and whether you or someone else thinks it's not that bad it is still yours to struggle with. Be kind to yourself and don't compare unless it's of benefit to you.
I am trying very hard to make things, good and positive things happen for me instead of just taking flack and standing there as I am bombarded emotionally mentally and physically. Taking control is hard, it's scary and it can feel lonely but then I was lonely before. So sometimes you have to take life by the horns climb on and ride through it and hey if you can do it with some grace and style so much the better for you and those that love you.
So today I say to you and most definitely to myself; DO NOT GIVE UP!
Life's been a tad cruel over the last year. I have loved and lost some amazing people including my dear mummy.
It's a struggle but then each one of us struggles everyday in many different ways. Your struggle is yours and whether you or someone else thinks it's not that bad it is still yours to struggle with. Be kind to yourself and don't compare unless it's of benefit to you.
I am trying very hard to make things, good and positive things happen for me instead of just taking flack and standing there as I am bombarded emotionally mentally and physically. Taking control is hard, it's scary and it can feel lonely but then I was lonely before. So sometimes you have to take life by the horns climb on and ride through it and hey if you can do it with some grace and style so much the better for you and those that love you.
So today I say to you and most definitely to myself; DO NOT GIVE UP!
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Feelings...
3 min read
Firstly how the heck ^^^^^ do I get rid of that ^^^^^^? Cause I sure as heck ain't cheerful and haven't been able to change it in over a year!
Funny how life can go from this 
to this 
to this Have gone through so many strong emotions the last few weeks that I am wrung out and permanently ill whether it is a cold, stomach bug or fever and chilled sweats....tmi? Heck yeah but it's the reality.
I have gone from knowing where I was going for the first time in my life and actually happy about the prospect to having no clue and in so much emotional and physical pain I wish I could just check out permanent like. I can't because I do now know that people do love me and after losing a friend to suicide I know I can't do that. Dramatic? Yes but you feel how you feel. One moment your in love happy trusting and seeing a future past the terminal illness of my mum. Seeing a life with someone a future you never dared hope for in fact had tried not to attain or imagine. Now everything is uncertain. He loves me still but can't see his way clear in the issues he has and I do agree and appreciate that they are pretty tough times. I just hate he has cut me out to deal with this alone. Is it a man thing? I don't know. I just hope I can hold on to the silence and give him time and not become angry for it. He doesn't understand the pain his withdrawing has causes and just cause he loves me still and is not having a affair that I should be fine with it. Am I being unreasonable? Or too needy? I don't think so. I believe I am the best thing to happen to him since his daughter and his faith...I know I was and could still be good for him. He has been amazingly good for me this change in him is off balancing and confusing. If he can move through this and if we can too....who knows?!
Till then pain and misery and the unknown.
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Devious Journal Entry
1 min read
New horizons 
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Devious Journal Entry
5 min read
Well once again I get to say I am back. Thought this time I came with a few pieces of half arsed work.
Anyone out there still receiving reading my few and far between journal entries may remember that I said my Mum was ill last time I was here. Well what was at one point head scratching for the doctors specialist and us and been revealed in its harsh cold cruel clarity. In January of this year 2012. Me and my family where told my Mum has terminal cancer. There was always the fear but after every test imaginable and the doctors still scratching their heads you become confident that it can't be that it would be just impossible for them to miss. My Mum was just one of those cases...maybe even House worthy but she was ill for three months till they took 5 biopsy's from her stomach and bowl and we had our worst fears look like hopeful wishes. My Mum had breast cancer 12 years ago and after two operations, chemo and radio therapy and 6 or so years on Tamoxifen(sp?) she was given the all clear.
The day I had scheduled a meeting with one of the specialists they told us that the peppered cancer in her stomach and bowl was the same type as what she had in her breast. That it has laid dormant all these years and was now incurable and that we were looking at quality of life not quantity. Well how did we cope how did we take it?? For us (and anyone who has been there) it was like trying to imagine the universe kept on going. That there was no beginning nor an ending. We were all so strong at the beginning. My Dad was and is to a certain extent in denial. My Mum had her fears confirmed and was almost philosophical about it. Me? I was well just carrying on. Trying desperately to stay strong. Emotional suppressors have kept me for the majority healed in place but now it is June and things are as expected nut never talked about. My cuddly Mummy is now a very frail, thin, shuffling emotionless shell. No smiles nor laughs. No cuddles or conversations. My Mum whom I love is not someone I can recognise. She doesn't want any noise. No music or TV. No loud chatter or visits from friends. No reading (my Mum devoured books) no anything. She sits or lays there eyes almost always closed but not sleeping. My Mum who could talk for England who had such interest in the things around her and things not around her. Who would giggle as she read a Bill Bryson book and read out aloud to my Dad something she could hardly finish before the giggles got a hold. The lover of nature and all of Gods creations. The lover of people no matter who or where you were or from. Nothing blinded her love and I guess till the day she leaves us she will always have those qualities but just we will never see them so clear and true again. My faith though at the moment not something I can gleam comfort from I know I will when time moves on. My loving caring Daddy who I know if not forever at least for a while, I will lose, when the love and soul of his life is gone. I mourn him too. At 76 he sees his beautiful vibrant soul mate wither and wane even though he had never imagined out living her at 7 years his junior. he is a lost angry frightened man and has every right to be. on the 24th of this month, the month of June will be my loving parents 45th Wedding Anniversary. My plans from late last year are shelved and have been since we were told we could have a few weeks left with her or months and that day to day was the best way to think of Mum and not months and years. The sharpest and most stinging of slaps to the face that is indeed.
I know we are not the first and not alone in our painful journey and I can't help wondering how anyone survives this? I know people do and maybe you, whoever you are reading this right now has been there. I can only guess you would have been in this same mind set of how on earth does anyone move on from this?? It is not possible, surely?? Well I know you will say that it is possible but it is not simple. It is not easy and not quickly dealt with. So I am here. Heartbroken. I am here. Shattered. I am here. Dazed.
My depression has never let go of me and I guess it is these unexpected heinous moments that may show me there is still strength and fight in this weaken vessel and that my family, friends and my faith and belief will ultimately see me through and help me to guide my Dad when he loses his compass.
I wish I could have left this unsaid or at least have some good news too but I am the one destined to bum you out today and for that I am truly sorry. I do hope though if you have read this far that you will immediately or asap go and hug, kiss, phone, text, email those you love and let them know that you do. I can think of nothing worse than not having the ability to have said that don't neglect what could be forever gone and too late. So Love like its your last chance and swallow the more irritating of things those we love do and now you are lucky and blesses to have them and for them to have you.
Anyone out there still receiving reading my few and far between journal entries may remember that I said my Mum was ill last time I was here. Well what was at one point head scratching for the doctors specialist and us and been revealed in its harsh cold cruel clarity. In January of this year 2012. Me and my family where told my Mum has terminal cancer. There was always the fear but after every test imaginable and the doctors still scratching their heads you become confident that it can't be that it would be just impossible for them to miss. My Mum was just one of those cases...maybe even House worthy but she was ill for three months till they took 5 biopsy's from her stomach and bowl and we had our worst fears look like hopeful wishes. My Mum had breast cancer 12 years ago and after two operations, chemo and radio therapy and 6 or so years on Tamoxifen(sp?) she was given the all clear.
The day I had scheduled a meeting with one of the specialists they told us that the peppered cancer in her stomach and bowl was the same type as what she had in her breast. That it has laid dormant all these years and was now incurable and that we were looking at quality of life not quantity. Well how did we cope how did we take it?? For us (and anyone who has been there) it was like trying to imagine the universe kept on going. That there was no beginning nor an ending. We were all so strong at the beginning. My Dad was and is to a certain extent in denial. My Mum had her fears confirmed and was almost philosophical about it. Me? I was well just carrying on. Trying desperately to stay strong. Emotional suppressors have kept me for the majority healed in place but now it is June and things are as expected nut never talked about. My cuddly Mummy is now a very frail, thin, shuffling emotionless shell. No smiles nor laughs. No cuddles or conversations. My Mum whom I love is not someone I can recognise. She doesn't want any noise. No music or TV. No loud chatter or visits from friends. No reading (my Mum devoured books) no anything. She sits or lays there eyes almost always closed but not sleeping. My Mum who could talk for England who had such interest in the things around her and things not around her. Who would giggle as she read a Bill Bryson book and read out aloud to my Dad something she could hardly finish before the giggles got a hold. The lover of nature and all of Gods creations. The lover of people no matter who or where you were or from. Nothing blinded her love and I guess till the day she leaves us she will always have those qualities but just we will never see them so clear and true again. My faith though at the moment not something I can gleam comfort from I know I will when time moves on. My loving caring Daddy who I know if not forever at least for a while, I will lose, when the love and soul of his life is gone. I mourn him too. At 76 he sees his beautiful vibrant soul mate wither and wane even though he had never imagined out living her at 7 years his junior. he is a lost angry frightened man and has every right to be. on the 24th of this month, the month of June will be my loving parents 45th Wedding Anniversary. My plans from late last year are shelved and have been since we were told we could have a few weeks left with her or months and that day to day was the best way to think of Mum and not months and years. The sharpest and most stinging of slaps to the face that is indeed.
I know we are not the first and not alone in our painful journey and I can't help wondering how anyone survives this? I know people do and maybe you, whoever you are reading this right now has been there. I can only guess you would have been in this same mind set of how on earth does anyone move on from this?? It is not possible, surely?? Well I know you will say that it is possible but it is not simple. It is not easy and not quickly dealt with. So I am here. Heartbroken. I am here. Shattered. I am here. Dazed.
My depression has never let go of me and I guess it is these unexpected heinous moments that may show me there is still strength and fight in this weaken vessel and that my family, friends and my faith and belief will ultimately see me through and help me to guide my Dad when he loses his compass.
I wish I could have left this unsaid or at least have some good news too but I am the one destined to bum you out today and for that I am truly sorry. I do hope though if you have read this far that you will immediately or asap go and hug, kiss, phone, text, email those you love and let them know that you do. I can think of nothing worse than not having the ability to have said that don't neglect what could be forever gone and too late. So Love like its your last chance and swallow the more irritating of things those we love do and now you are lucky and blesses to have them and for them to have you.
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Wow LONG TIME NO NOTHING
1 min read
Quick update:
STILL:
LOOOVE DEVIANT ART!!!
Tired.
Not written a poem since the last I posted here.
On a diet
Wishing on a star.
Believing in Fairy's
Love my films and TV series
New:
My Mum is very ill and doctors, specialists and anyone else have no idea what is wrong with her :*(
Have my own apartment.
Diagnosed with Diabetes
Make jewellery (new venture)
Dyed my hair RED
Even larger collection of Dolls
Even larger collection of Comics action figures
Back is worse more pain etc...
Pain Management Classes
Seeing Councillor (early days)
Well that is it for a while....
STILL:
LOOOVE DEVIANT ART!!!
Tired.
Not written a poem since the last I posted here.
On a diet
Wishing on a star.
Believing in Fairy's
Love my films and TV series
New:
My Mum is very ill and doctors, specialists and anyone else have no idea what is wrong with her :*(
Have my own apartment.
Diagnosed with Diabetes
Make jewellery (new venture)
Dyed my hair RED
Even larger collection of Dolls
Even larger collection of Comics action figures
Back is worse more pain etc...
Pain Management Classes
Seeing Councillor (early days)
Well that is it for a while....
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